Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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