note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize