I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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