This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
