you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
