My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
