Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
