Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
