fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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