just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
