News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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