Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
