I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
