I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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