That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
