i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
