I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
