yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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