Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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