I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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