i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
