Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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