Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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