I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
