Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
