If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's shark week go big or go home
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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