The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
