he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
