My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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