so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
