i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
