I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
