I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
