Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
