I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
