i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
