I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
