Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
