names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
