The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
