so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I see more hoeing in ur future
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