What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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