Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
