The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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