If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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