Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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