is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize