proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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