So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
