If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
