why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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