I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
