I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
home. puking in laundry basket.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
