I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
