Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
