I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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