There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
