I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
